Posted on: July 22, 2009

Supermom No More

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird, it's a plane, it' ... an unrealistic expectation of motherhood. Here are seven ways to let go of the supermom myth

By Jessica Abels
CTW Features

Like many new mothers, when Deb DiSandro had her first child, she was convinced she would be supermom. "I say that I wanted to be the June Cleaver of my era, but most days I was more like Joan Crawford in 'Mommy Dearest'," she says. "This is an issue for moms of all ages still today. And I think it comes from younger women who have maybe been in the workforce and been very successful and they want to bring that same enthusiasm and success to the role of being a mom." Now the mother of three is an author, professional speaker and founder of www.slightlyoff.com. "Most of the time when you talk about these failed attempts, it's quite funny," DiSandro says. "So I had to come up with a new version of the supermom, which I call the slightly off supermom.

Cori Howard, a mother of two and founder of the Momoir Project writing classes for moms, also tried the supermom route. "I was pregnant for the first time when I was 31 and I had a full-blown career as a world-traveling journalist, and I definitely thought that once I had the baby my life would just continue on as normal and I would keep on doing what I'd been doing without stopping," she says.

While it's natural to want to be the best mother you can be, holding yourself to the supermom standard can often do more harm than good. Here are seven ways to manage motherhood without wearing yourself down:

Evaluate Your Goals

"I think moms have to go back to asking themselves what the outcome is that they want," DiSandro says. "Is it that they have this successful kid that lives in a big house and goes to Harvard? Or is it that they want to raise a decent, kind, loving human being? If we can keep that in mind, I think our outcome is a lot better."

Put It In Perspective

DiSandro says she learned to really think about the relative importance of her actions as her family increased. "When my first child was born I immediately called the White House and announced that a president was born, but with each child you learn to lower your expectations," she says. "When my third child was born, I called Domino's and ordered a pizza. My third knew that when she put her tooth under her pillow it could take a week to ten days for the Tooth Fairy to show up. All moms make these kind of mistakes, and most of them aren't life-changing or life-damaging. You don't have to have the perfectly clean house to raise a successful, happy child."

Play Around

Make everyday activities like grocery shopping fun by turning it into a game, suggests DiSandro. She says moms are often too worried about the end goal, like quickly getting everything on the list or taking the most efficient route through the clothing store. Instead, ask your kids to find all the items on your list that start with "A" or let them race to see who can pick out produce first. "Find some fun in it and don't always just have it as something to check off your to-do list," she says. "You can even take the fun out of going to the zoo if you're too focused on making sure you see everything. Don't rush your kids past the lions so you can see five more animals if your kid is fascinated by the lion pooping."

Accept Imperfection

"Don't be too hard on yourself," Howard says. "Parenting is really hard work, and we're not prepared for it as a society and a culture, and as joyous and challenging as it is, I think that as women we're really hard on ourselves and that induces a lot of feelings of guilt and shame and inadequacy, when really we're doing the best we can, and that's enough."

Laugh A Little

"I always try to find a way to connect humorously with my kids," DiSandro says. "Too often we get all uptight about their games. " Her kids can recite movie lines like crazy. And sometimes it's a little annoying, but she says if we can tap into that and find the humor in it with our kids, and appreciate the gift of being able to recite movie lines and have fun with them about it, that's one way to love them.

Give Yourself A "C"

DiSandro works with a lot of moms who want to earn an "A" in every category, but she says it's important to allow yourself to receive a "C." "So if we get a C at meal-planning or housework or laundry, or even the fact that when we want to teach our child a lesson and it comes out wrong and we end up lecturing them or yelling at them, let me just tell you that every mother yells and that's part of being a mother," she says. "Now, does that mean that that's what we want to strive for? Of course not. But what if we strive not to yell and we earn a C at it, sometimes we miss our mark and sometimes we don't." DiSandro found this to be a more realistic, fun way to approach life and motherhood. Let yourself and your kid off the hook for perfectionism and you'll have a lot more fun and you'll have a lot more success.

Forge Your Own Path

No matter how much advice you receive or how many friends or books you consult, Howard says it's crucial to realize that motherhood is an incredibly unique journey for each mother.

"There are lots of pat formulas but not one thing is going to work for everybody," she says. "I think everyone has to go through their own process of figuring out what their biggest struggle is and ways to solve it. I think you have to find your own way to making the best of every day."