Posted on: January 21, 2009

Pavlov's Snack

Tying emotions to food is a dangerous connection for parents to make for their kids

By Dawn Klingensmith
CTW Features

Many well-meaning parents reward their children and soothe hurt feelings with ice cream, extra helpings of mashed potatoes and other "comfort" foods. Keri Follmer is not one of them.

"I believe this type of food pushing develops a pattern for children to become emotional overeaters or emotional eaters, meaning you eat to satisfy or rationalize your feelings - 'I had a bad day so it's OK to get nachos for dinner! A double scoop of ice cream will make everything all right!'

"It doesn't," she says.

She and her husband, who live in Irvine, Calif., have other ways of showing support in lieu of offering treats, including family movie night and small gifts such as a book or CD.

There's some disagreement as to whether celebrating achievements with food is an unwise move, but parenting and weight-management experts tend to agree that using food to assuage hurt feelings and soften disappointments causes problems down the line, including poor eating habits and an inability to cope.

"Congratulate with food, but never comfort with it," says Aaron Cooper, a Chicago-based psychologist and co-author of "I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy: Why You Shouldn't Say It, Why You Shouldn't Think It, What You Should Embrace Instead" (Late August Press, 2008).

He points out that cultures all throughout history have celebrated with food. "It robs kids of nothing to offer a birthday cake or a trip to Chuck-E Cheese's after an especially fine report card," Cooper says.

However, "Parents who offer food at times of pain are trafficking in shortcuts," he says. "Resilience can't be developed that way."

Cooper defines food pushing as presenting a plate of brownies, for example, at times when an empathetic ear, a helpful suggestion or a hug would be more appropriate.

By his definition, offering food as an expression of love doesn't rise to the level of food pushing.

Lisa Altshuler, director of the Kids Weight Down program, Maimonides Infants and Children's Hospital, Brooklyn, N.Y., shares this belief - up to a point.

"Food can never be de-coupled from its social aspects, and preparing and giving food to those we love can be a positive thing, not just a problem, especially if the choices of what is given are healthful," she says. "However, particularly with children, using food to show love and using food as rewards can definitely be problematic and can lead to children who learn to soothe themselves with food. This can lead to significant problems with weight, as well as disordered eating."

Dr. Ivan Pavlov's research from the 1890s is still relevant in illustrating how food pushing can lead to lifelong patterns of reflexive or emotional eating. Pavlov measured the amount of saliva dogs produced when they ate. He then started ringing a bell just prior to feeding them. After a while, he found the dogs would salivate whenever he rang the bell, even if he didn't feed them, based on their previous experience.

Physician Michelle May, Phoenix, cites this research to explain why caution should govern the use of food as an incentive or a reward.

"Rewarding children with food can create a trigger like Pavlov's bell - even as an adult, they will reach for food when they finish a task or simply survive another day," says May, author of "Am I Hungry? What to Do When Diets Don't Work" (Nourish Publishing, 2004).

After eating reflexively, people often feel worse than before because food can't meet their emotional needs and gluttony almost always causes feelings of guilt.

Overfed children are at the mercy of their parents, but adults who succumb to food pushing need to examine their role, says Tiffany Crate, Chicago, a nutrition and fitness coach.

"Perhaps the receiver doesn't want to hurt the giver's feelings by rejecting the food or fears being assertive because submission and deference have always been the assumed role in the relationship," she says. "But the recipient has a choice - be coerced to eat despite the absence of hunger or decline the offer with confidence and persistence."

Crate teaches clients an approach called "intuitive eating," which establishes hunger as the cue to eat, rather than emotions or external triggers. Eating when we're hungry is inconsistent with deprivation, so "intuitive" eaters don't go on restrictive diets; they enjoy a variety of foods and simply stop eating once hunger is satisfied. This sensible approach to self-nourishment and weight management tends to eliminate intense food cravings that lead to overindulgence and regret.

Though often driven by a misguided attempt to show love, people who tempt or even pressure others to eat when they're not hungry sometimes have less benevolent motives.

"People who push food, to children or other adults, sometimes do it more to make themselves feel good and to be loved than to show love to others," Altshuler says.

In other cases, pushers "simply don't want to be alone," May says, "or they feel self-conscious when they are eating something that others aren't. Occasionally, they may be trying to sabotage someone's weight loss efforts."

Sometimes, an individual's unhealthy relationship with food develops into disordered eating, which can lead to food pushing as a means of validating the behavior.

"Some people who are competitive with dieting and weight loss find a sense of superiority by getting people to eat - or overeat - while they 'win' by abstaining from the temptation," says psychologist Marty Lerner, clinical director, Milestones in Recovery Eating Disorders Program, Cooper City, Fla.

There are no winners where food pushing is concerned, especially among children, whose eating habits are shaped by their parents. The childhood obesity epidemic is a complex phenomenon with many causes, but over-reliance on "pizza nights" as a time-saver and crowd-pleaser certainly plays into it. But physical health isn't the only concern. Emotional well being also is at stake.

"We know from research that kids want more time with their parents," Cooper says. "It's a clue to a different kind of hunger - not for food but for closeness."