Posted on: December 14, 2007

Steps for a Happier Holiday with Your Family

When politics and ham don’t mix or Aunt Tillie asks – for the umpteenth time – why you’re still single, try these 4 temper-saving tactics to diffuse family disputes

By Apryl Chapman Thomas
CTW Features

Still trying to forget last year’s post-pie meltdown? While it might seem as American as apple pie, arguments and stress at holiday family gatherings don’t have to be this year’s main course. Here are some ways to enjoy visiting with everyone this jolly season:

[headline]Stick to safe topics of conversation[headline]

Politics, domestic issues and world issues are just some topics to stay away from during your holiday celebration, if you want to keep everyone’s emotions in check.

Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of “The Book of NO” (McGraw-Hill, 2005), says stick to neutral subjects. “Discuss trips family members have taken or plan, or even talk about weather that was notably unpleasant,” she says. She adds it’s helpful to have pictures on hand to pass around to everyone.

If you find there is a lull in the conversation, try reminiscing.

“Talking about the old times growing up or family traditions is usually a safe bet for conversations,” Newman says.

[headline]Avoid touchy issues[headline]

“Tell your mother in advance that you will not discuss your weight during the holiday meal or weekend,” she says. “The same goes for your social life, how you raise your children, or your job if any of these are the areas that are bound to lead to confrontation and argument in your family.”

Newman recommends if someone unknowingly brings up something you don’t care to talk about in front of everyone, say politely and with a smile, “that subject is off limits today” and if they persists, be firm, “seriously, no, I simply won’t/can’t discuss it.”

Gloria Stevens, adjunct professor of psychology at Marymount Manhattan College, New York, says, “As hard as it might be, do not respond. Any response will add to the fuel to the fire.”

[headline]Walk away[headline]

For those in your family who won’t let go of topic that irks you and continues after you’ve refused to engage, leave the room. Go for a walk and give yourself time to realize that whatever it is that won’t let them respect your boundaries is their problem and not yours, Newman says.

When you are taking a time out, Stevens says, the most important skill to actively practice is to put yourself in the other’s shoes to look at the situation through their view. It might help you understand them better.

[headline]Forget perfection[headline]

“You’ll have a more relaxing holiday even if everything isn’t perfect and up to your normal standards,” Newman says. “You’ll be more rested and better able to divert the conversation or activities away from areas you know will make you unhappy.” She also recommends cleaning up when relatives go home, or if a relative insists on cleaning up for you, instead of protesting, graciously accept the help.