Posted on: March 16, 2007

Take My Advice, Please!

Parents, siblings, friends, co-workers and even strangers are quick to impart their wisdom. Here’s how to rebuke 'If I were you …'

By Hannah Seligson
CTW Features

The four simple, well-meaning words “If I were you,” seem to preface most unsolicited advice from friends, parents, neighbors and even strangers. When that advice isn’t something you want or need to hear, it’s easy to grow resentful.

Those looking to hold their ground and say, “Thanks, but no thanks,” to outsider advice need to keep their tempers idle says Ryan Browning, a certified life coach, and Dr. Jessica Gendelman, a clinical psychologist, co-founders of Relationship Gateway, an online forum for dating and relationship information. They say that when you bring up your problems to those around you, all bets are off. Here’s how to handle a few key situations in stride.

If I were you … I would break up with him

Unloading relationship dilemmas on a friend will undoubtedly greet you with the advice, “Well, if I were you, I would dump him immediately, if not sooner.”

Browning cautions against blowing off steam to a friend that is unaware of the complexities of your relationship: Often times that person will rush to judgment based upon the few negative facts you convey. Also, that person might not be successful in his or her love life, and offer counsel that has more to do with their experiences.

If someone tells you to break off a relationship, avoid the urge to shoot back with a list of his or her relationship failures. Instead, Gendelman advises people who find themselves in this ubiquitous situation to validate what a friend is saying while conveying that you’ve made your own decision.

“You can say to your friend ‘I appreciate your perspective on my relationship, and I’ll take your suggestions into consideration, but staying with John right now feels like the right choice for me.’”

If I were you … I would go to law school

Even though you are happy as a clam, pursuing your career as a musician, your family thinks – and not very silently – that you should go to law school – or pursue another career, for that matter.

Gendelman says this is a situation where the “If I were you” language is very telling. “It signals that a parent is projecting too much onto a child and probably needs to separate.” Gendelman believes many parents set goals for their children based upon their own desires, and often that leads to feelings of failure when their children don’t follow the dreams they envisioned.

To diffuse the projection, Browning advises the critiqued to convey to a parent how committed and excited he or she is about the new career path.

“I tell my clients to say something like, ‘I appreciate what you are saying, and that may be the smart move, but I feel passionate about what I’m doing.’“ And remember, your parents only want what is best for you. Deliver your news calmly, and don’t dismiss their disappointment with angry words. Offer your parents a promise that you are ready to prove yourself, and to do that you must follow your dreams.

If I were you … I would get married

Aunt Martha, like clockwork, offers up the same advice to you every year. “You are 36 and single. If I were you, I would really try to go on more dates.” And there you are, for the umpteenth time, listening to dating advice from someone who hasn’t been on a date in decades.

Browning suggests deflecting the well-meaning types with: “I appreciate your concern, but I’m really happy, and I’m actually going out on dates.” If you aren’t dating, or don’t want to date, hold the line on your comfort with being single.

Where these situations get a bit thornier, Gendelman explains, is when the advice is just plain inappropriate. As in, “You are over 30 and single! I’d get myself signed up for a dating service, if I were you.”

Gendelman says that when the advice is of the obnoxious ilk, it’s time to set a boundary. “Say something to the person that lets them know that their advice feels like an attack. Then give the person the opportunity to back off or apologize.” If that doesn’t happen, thank them for their concern, and try to walk away from the conversation.

[heading]If I were you … I wouldn’t let my kid throw a tantrum like that[heading’

Denying little Betsy those ice cream sandwiches will sometimes set off the loudest temper tantrum your grocery store has seen in a decade. In the middle of her wailing another shopper walks by and rudely dispenses her parenting advice. With a screaming child and frayed nerves, even the most mild-mannered parent would be tempted to get angry.

Even though it’s difficult, Browning says swallow your pride and thank the person for weighing in.

“I would advise against getting into a moral debate about how the person communicated the information. All you have to say is, ‘I appreciate what you have to say, thank you very much.’ In general, with anyone giving advice, you just want to try and be respectful, while maintaining your individuality,” Browning says.

Don’t be afraid to tell the person that you have it under control, but also don’t be tempted to excuse a child’s erratic behavior: this comes of as making excuses. Show that you have control over the situation by exhibiting self-control in the face of unwanted advice, and take your child outside, if necessary.

Hannah Seligson is a writer based in New York and the author of “New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches” (Citadel Press, 2007).